Your 2023 Top 10 New Year Resolution Guide and Why You Will Ultimately Fail…Again:

1. Lose Weight – Great start! You went an entire year eating and drinking 3000 calories per day in cookies, decadent food and alcohol spiked everything to skipping breakfast (diet tribes call this “intermittent fasting”), eating backyard tree leaves you call a salad with no dressing for lunch and for dinner puke flavored cauliflower rice and dog-shit flavored tofu. Pizza and carbs are the enemy(!) for at least the next 2 weeks, that’s usually how long it will take you to remember rice with a shit ton of Kerry Gold butter tastes better then puke flower and Friday pizza night is tastier than mushy soy dog-shit.
2. Exercise More – $150 running shoes, $50 Monthly Gym membership, $40 Bosu Balance Ball (stupidest piece of exercise equipment ever), $1500 Peloton, dumbbells, maybe a kettle-bell or two. All set, no excuses, it’s been years since you worked out, but this year is different! Day 1: Jog to gym, lift, balance on one foot like a carnival poodle while juggling dumbbells in the air, pedal your ass off in Brazil, kettle-bell swwwwwwiiiiiing! Day 2: “HOLY CRAP I CAN’T WALK OR BEND OVER OR EVEN MOVE…rest day, today will be my rest day!” Day 30: Facebook Neighbors Garage Sale: “For Sale – Lightly used running shoes, Bosu Ball, Peloton, Dumbbells, kettle-bells – must be willing to pick up.”
3. Quit or Reduce Alcohol – 2019: “This drink is strong”, 2020: “Nothing to do, might as well day drink”. 2021: “Is there even alcohol in this?” 2022: “Do I want a drink!?!? Uh Duh, hell yeah I want a drink!” January 2023 Week 1 and Week 1.5 : “Nope it’s dry January!” Week 2: “This dinner sucks without wine” Week 3: “Well I call it Damp January, I only drink one or two days per week” Week 4: ” It’s January 26th that’s basically February, close enough, pour me another one.” February 1st: “Dry January was so easy, I did not even need booze!” Because being the sober one in a room full of drunks is BORING, lying to them about your sobriety…Priceless!
4. Be More Productive – Holidays are over! No more goofing around! You are going to get your shit together and take the bull by the horns. Metaphorically speaking of course. Wait screw that…not metaphorically, you are going to find a real Bull, grab it by the horns and show the world nothing is going to stop you from doing what you put out to do! Now, if you can only remember what you did with that To-Do list you wrote in January 2022.
5. Pay Down Debt – The holidays were epic! This year the kiddos got that backyard full of exotic animals they have been dreaming of since they first told you they wanted to grow up and be Prince and Princess of Cushion Fort Land! This year you did it! You pulled the trigger, you have no idea what Zebras and Jaguars eat but they look so cute in the backyard and while Prince and Princess Cushion humpers cannot go near the cute kitty as it playfully mauls the Zebra, you bask in the joy that you were able to fulfill the kiddos dreams. Inflation? Nonsense! Interest Rates through the roof? Pffffft, poppycock! January 1st we buckle down and pay down debt…”its how much to bury a half eaten Zebra and euthanize a Jaguar? Do you take American Express?”
6. Spend More Time With the Family – Thanksgiving, a time to share with loved ones and be thankful for the bountiful quantity of food you will throw away. Christmas Eve, the time you share with loved ones when you argue who’s family will get more time at who’s house so you can spend the Eve of Christmas eating and drinking with those same loved ones you just spent Thanksgiving with. Christmas Day, the time you spend with loved ones wondering why the XL shirt you just got as a gift and was the size you wore up until Thanksgiving Day, does not button. New Years Eve, the time you spend with the loved ones you were literally just with eating and drinking with on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and now you are going to bring in the New Year with…and you want to spend MORE time with them? I think a break from the family is in order, going forward this should be the new meaning of Dry January!
7. Quit Social Media – “My honey is the absolute BEST, they got me the newest thing that everyone talks about! And there are only 700 million made in the United States and they got it for me the week it came out and Amazon even warns ‘Hurry there are only 699,000,000 left!’ ” (Photo collage: left, right, center, back, pic with you holding item, pic with you holding item kissing purchaser, pic of you taking a pic of you in the mirror holding item, this time with duck face and raised eyebrow.) 21 thumbs up, 4 WOW, 1 Heart, 2 Caring, 1 Comment: “Very Nice!” You feeling it necessary to respond to all the 21 likes, 4 Wow, 1 Heart, 2 Caring and Comment back to the one comment on your own post: “Thank you everyone! I hope you all find true love like I did!” Do you really want to freaking quit smashing your social media “Living My Best Life Ever” bullshit in peoples faces? I think not…I think not!
8. Stop Gossiping – “Spread positivity!” “Gossip is started by haters, spread by fools and accepted by idiots!” “Who gossips with you, will gossip about you!” “Loose lips sink ships!” The intellects who came up with these slogans were considered intellectual pioneers, leaders among their peers, creators of thought filled ingenuity to raise ones spirit through the power of word! But I heard, they all lived under one roof, smoked reefer and would play naked twister covered in baby oil in a kid pool full of lime Jell-O…now wasn’t what I wrote way more fun?
9. Call a Friend – It sure has been awhile since you spoke with that ole college roommate. You recall it like it was yesterday, walking through the mall, you see a manequin wearing a pair of Z Cavericci with a killer pair of gray Capezios, you know for sure it will go perfect with the mesh shirt your best bud showed you they got from Merry Go Round. You grab a quarter, run to the pay phone…busy…”I’d like to make an emergency breakthrough…” The memories! You think to yourself “was that the last time we spoke? This ends today!” You start the investigative quest and ask everyone in your former circuit if they have a contact number for your numero uno best friend and college roommate! Success, a cell number, you dial, nerves like lightening bolts, you know exactly what you’re going to say when they answer…ring, ring, ring…voicemail…OK no problem “YO!! It’s me, BEER PONG CHAMPION OF DELTA HOUSE…haha! I miss you roomie…give me a call when you get this message!” Man that felt good…can’t wait to catch up…DING…a text message…it reads “Hey Dude got your call, Been a long time, how’s it going? Can’t talk in a (forever and ever never call me) meeting. Text back.” Take the hint, text back.
10. Be Kinder – You go out of your way to smile, be cordial, you greet everyone you come in contact with. You say excuse me, pardon me, I apologize. You wave when someone lets you into traffic, hell you let people into traffic with a smile, a wave and a little friendly flick of the high beams. You contribute your hard earned money to peoples Facebook Birthday Fundraisers “This year for my Birthday I am raising money to save Zebras from backyard Jaguar attacks.” That seems worthy of a $20 contribution and by the way “Happiest of Birthdays my friend!” awwww, they gave me a thumbs up! You assist your neighbors and family members can depend on you at anytime. Work knows you are a stand-up, go-to, getter done, team player. You feel rewarded and blessed…and should make sure everyone on your social media pages know exactly verbatim in detail each and every act of kindness you do to make all who read it and don’t do the same feel like total shit!

Thanks for reading. Best of luck trying to accomplish any of these resolutions. It is a long shot you will succeed so why even try, but if you do, please be sure to post the outcome on social media, so those of us who fail can all unfriend you.

Nope not a typing error. I did not doze off with my finger on the letter “D”. The title of this story is DDDD – Don’t Die Desperate Dummy.

What I write is for me its for fun, gets my ideas out of my head that torment me in my sleep and my daily commute. I always joke with Rosie when she sees me talking to myself, I say “I am having a staff meeting with the 6 other voices in my head, we all think we are in charge.” I can’t complete a full thought verbally anymore without ending that thought with “Ain’t that crazy.” So I write what I want to say and will continue to until I end every blog with “Ain’t that crazy” then I will turn to mime. My intentions (we will get back to my disdain for that word “intentions”) are to gather everything I have written, from Facebook posts to these blogs and research how to publish them into a short story format. This is my “intentions.”

I say my intentions because reading is a commitment. I like audio books because I have the concentration of a dog in a squirrel farm and cannot commit to forcing myself to read through boring ass dialogue just to get to a good part that at times does not turn out so good. It even kills me to proof read my own stories after I am done writing them. Yes, I am still a child who likes to be read to. Reading print puts me to sleep and in reality reading a book is shunned upon when driving 80 mph down the turnpike where most of my commute takes place, an audible book so far has proven harmless.

Back on track, see, boring ass dialogue to get to the point of this story. I recently asked my son Niko to list his goals. He is young enough to pursue goals, accomplish them before its too late, old enough to understand why this is important, and smart enough to know why this matters, “Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life.”
Society expectations are as follows: school, play a sport, do well in school so you can get into and graduate college, find and pursue a career path, get a cubicle, commute to cubicle, bitch about the cubicle and how you deserve an office, meet a nice person, date, get engaged, marry, have kids, buy a house, commute further everyday to the cubicle you hate, increase debt, pay bills, get out of the cubicle and move to an office – you’re pissed you really wanted the corner office, apply for that other job where you hope you will be appreciated (repeat multiple times), commute home, stress about bills, credit cards, mortgage, car payments, braces, sports, how do you get that corner office, why can’t I sleep, and why the hell are my pants and shirts getting so tight!!! (Give me a minute I need to catch my breath…)

My path in life was very similar to the aforementioned life-script which was probably chipped into stone hundreds of years ago. School, work, marry, kids, house, commute, financial stress…I skipped college and wound up in hospitality. NOW, before you begin the internal opinions “if you had gone to college, you would’ve…” I barely graduated high school, there was NO way college would’ve lit a fire under my ass and triggered a personal epiphany that I now have the patience and attention to study. Remember opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and yours stinks just like everyone else’s. As a 51 year old man, I now look back and think regardless of whether I write good or bad, you like it or you don’t, I should have pursued writing. Short stories, kids stories, erotic stories (creepy I put that next to kids stories) I should’ve just kept writing until something connected. I love my life, but there were/are times of desperation.

Joe Rogan talks about desperation in one of his podcasts, how people who have followed what the expectations of society are can easily fall into a downward spiral of feeling desperate, worrying about bills, mortgage, a job, family…etc. We abandon our dreams and goals because if we decide one day to try stand-up comedy or strive to be a musician people who have followed the protocol of expectations will say “there is no money in that”, “what if you fail”, “there is no future” so we give up or worse don’t even try. We literally GIVE UP on our dreams, on ourselves! That is (excuse my language) the proverbial mindf*ck!

Humor me, circle ’round kids its imagination story time: Sally and Bob follow societies life-script, they have a son, Fred. Fred does well in school, plays sports, excels, gets into a great college, graduates, gets a great job making $80k per year, works 60 hours per week for a company who refers to him as ADP Payroll #23456789. Fred’s best friend is Ted, Ted was a cut-up in class, was smart, but his head was filled with creative ideas, always jotting notes, always making his friends laugh, has a knack and passion for music and entertainment. Sally and Bob love Ted, they ask him prior to HS graduation “whats your future after school Ted, any college acceptance letters?” Ted responds “No, I am going to do some open mic stand-up, focus on my music, start a podcast about nonsense, my first guest is Fred!” Sally and Bob snicker, scoff and proceed to tell Ted “looks like you’ll be borrowing money from Fred!” However Ted’s parents tell Ted, “Follow your dreams, you need to work so you have some money so you are not homeless if you fail a few times until you get it right, but every extra available hour you need to work on marketing, executing, revising, revisiting and re-executing if necessary your dreams until you don’t ever have to worry about working in a “job” again.”

Fast forward 10 years, Fred is reflecting how he ‘went to school, played a sport, did well in school so he could get into and graduate college, found a career path, pursued it, got a cubicle, bitched about the cubicle and how he deserves an office, met a nice person, dated, got engaged, married, had kids, bought a house, commutes further everyday to the cubicle he hates, pays bills, increased his debt, got out of the cubicle and moved to an office, he is pissed because he really wanted the corner one, applies for other jobs where he hopes he will be appreciated (he’s repeated this multiple times), commutes home, stresses about bills, credit cards, mortgage, car payments, braces, sports, how do I get that corner office, why can’t I sleep, when the hell did my pants and shirts get so tight!!!’ (Air I need air!) Fred is reflecting this while watching Ted talk to celebrities on his wildly popular, sometimes controversial podcast, discussing all sorts of worldly topics, including plugging his upcoming comedy tour dates, how he filled in as a studio drummer for (enter famous band – I can’t think of any) last album and how he is adding his 10th food truck to his fleet this week. Fred gets a text from Ted, “Sup OG! Flying charter to Costa Rica Thursday for a long weekend for some fishing, booze and fun…leave at 3pm, pick you up at UNO!?!?” To which Fred responds, with sigh of desperation, “No can do Amigo, staff meeting at 4pm Thursday, interview on Friday for that new firm we discussed, Fred Jr. has soccer all day Saturday, Sunday I have my to do list the wife gave me.” Ted responds as always “Maybe next time OG.” Fred convinces himself he is not jealous and is happy for Ted.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FRED’S LIFE! It is a good life that many, HELL the majority of people have chosen it, I did. It is a great, normal, sought after, rewarding life to many. A lot of people do not have debt, they work hard, skyrocket to the top of companies, their extended education has assisted them to far exceed their school mates and peers. But imagine, just for one moment, you put that energy in something you always wanted to do! Your dream, you made that your goal, and put the same energy in it that societies life-script expects of us and you were fishing right now in Costa Rica like Ted.

I laugh at people who get incensed over sports, they watch football, baseball, or any sport of their choice and yell at the TV or yell at these athletes who are living out their dreams who are making millions of dollars doing what they dreamed of always doing. These very same people who are yelling at these athletes (who pursued and are living their dreams), watch their kid do the very same thing these athletes are doing, but when their kid says “My coach says I am the best on the team, I want to play pro ball.” 9.99999 times out of 10 we say “You have a 1 in a million chance of that” “stop living in a dream world”, “go to school get a good job.” What if you said “Cool, lets find someone to talk to who can give us a real feel of what this takes.” That is probably what Derek Jeter’s mom and dad said, same as the Mannings and if you ever get the chance read about Shaquille O’Neal, you want inspiration, he exemplifies the word! There are corporate dreamers too, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, they all took a chance and succeeded but they are billionaires and still work 100 hours per week. No thanks to the 100 hour work weeks, yes please to the billions!

Intentions…that very word makes me more enraged then Eli Manning throwing a homerun pitch to Lebron James! (Can you tell I don’t watch sports.) I despise intentions, “Next week I am going to watch what I eat.” why not make changes today, “Come the New Year I am going to start exercising” why not take a walk today, “I want to follow my dreams and start a podcast” find something to talk about and start one today! Having intentions is good, commitment and consistency are where the real battle lies. DDDD, Don’t Die Desperate Dummy do not have intentions of fulfilling your dreams and goals, find the will, find the way, failing once does not mean give up, it means revise, revisit, re-execute until you get it right. Remember the quote I put in the beginning of this story ‘Do what you love and you will never have to work a day in your life.’ That does not sound so bad to me, follow your dreams and DDDD! Ain’t that crazy.

Now don’t go getting offended, I am one of you. Every year up until 2 years ago I would try the “New Year, New Me” or “sh*ts about to get real this year” BS. If I was lucky I made it one month and realized I have a very short memory and zero attention span to what I was committed to changing, got frustrated by lack of progress or if I even remotely attempt(ed) to lose weight I was reminded very quickly as I blindly consumed junk food that I have no will power.

I am no expert, I am a bald, fat a-hole who can only talk and make fun of my own failing experiences at New Year Resolutions and relay why they have actually not worked for me and people I know, but how you can take steps to make this year your year to succeed!

With that said here are 10 common New Year Resolutions and why you will fail…but how you can finally conquer them!

1. “Eat Right and Lose Weight!” – What happened to the other years and months throughout the year you said that? Now you are suddenly going to wake up the Monday after New Year’s Day with intentions of eating rice, chicken and broccoli everyday or even worse you made the decision to totally eliminate carbs (carbs are the enemy…blah blah blah…no, they are not) only to realize chicken, rice and broccoli tastes like shit without Szechuan sauce on it accompanied by an egg roll! We all do it. We think less is better and bland is the answer. Yesterday we were eating Buffalo wings, Stromboli, lasagna, washing it all down with champagne and booze filled soft drinks, come Monday we make an impulse decision to eat “clean” with no understanding that our bodies don’t want tasteless food. Our bodies like our current meal plan and weight and the minute you decide to cut your 2500 calorie per day intake to 1500 calories to start the “new you” your body will release a chemical bomb attack in the form of Ghrelin, the hunger hormone. While you are counting down the seconds for your next aggressively timed out calorie deprived meal, unconsciously you’ll have a handful of cheese doodles, because after all “I’ve been dieting for 4 hours, and all the experts say cheat meals are important!”
   Success Plan: The best way to begin a weight loss plan is to do exactly that, plan, if you cut out, you feel left out, if cut back, you stay on track. Trying to lose weight is a marathon not a sprint and I have been running a 20 year race. Fad diets don’t work. Short term? Possibly. If you choose to do one that’s a great kick-start, but cutting back is better than cutting out, when you cut out you can’t eat cake…I love cake. Your body will respond to smaller changes with empathy and adapt. It will not be 100% kind, after all we have to fight age, genetics, etc… but if you were eating 2500 calories, find a way to cut out 300 – 500 calories per day. Or better yet, make smaller reductions in calories, like carb cycling and move a little more if possible. If you don’t black out tying your shoes anymore and only see those little dots, that’s an indicator the calorie deficit is working. Its calories in vs. calories out, burn more than you eat, that’s it, all these fad diets are is a reduction of calories by removing a food group. If you eat 3 pizzas, be sure to burn off 4. (Don’t eat 3 pizzas!)
2. “Start Working Out” – Your Peloton is on its way! You’ve never, ever, ever taken a spin class before but you are going to dish out $4000 on a bike and proprietary fitness subscription because ‘my friend on Facebook got one’ and you were convinced by the commercial on TV that showed an already thin woman getting fat shamed to get thinner by her husband (he’s a dick!) Congrats, its 2021 and you now have one more piece of furniture to dust! Here’s another one for ya, you won’t use that gym membership either. 12% of all gym memberships take place in January, the average length of use for New Year newbies is 3 months. The regulars who have been members for years don’t like you, they respect your commitment to trying, but when they have to wait for a bench, while you are using it to rest your new gym bag on because you forgot a lock and they are forced to watch you flop around on the mat next to the bench inventing stretches that look like you’re making snow angels, they get pissed off and can’t wait for March because they know you won’t be there anymore.
   Success Plan: Sign up for a gym if you want it’s a good investment if you use it, do not commit to 12 months, try the free week and go from there month to month. Most gyms offer introductory free personal training sessions that will show you how to use all the equipment, take advantage of it. Learn how to use the equipment (and where the locker room is) say no if they try to upsell extra sessions or say yes if you get the gym fever. If you haven’t exercised in a while starting with walking outside is great, body weight exercises are awesome, Beach Body on the Amazon Firestick gives you the luxury of exercise classes in your own living room which is close to the kitchen, in case you want to make a mid zumba class sandwich.
   Gym tip warning: Do not jog to the gym to only walk on a treadmill, do not leave sweat on the equipment, rack your weights and for the love of God do not curl in the squat rack!
3. “Get out of Debt” – If you chose #2 as your resolution and do not have $4k in cash to burn on a Peloton, you’re more than likely $4k in the hole on a credit card. If you’re one of the bazillion people afraid of the pandemic going on it’s safe to say you did all your holiday shopping online. Unless you’ve figured out a way to Venmo Jeff Bezos directly, you’ve spent a fortune on Amazon with your credit card. I’m a victim of no credit to lots of credit to no credit to…you get the cycle. 55% of Americans (that stat is probably on the low end) have credit card debt, if you tell me you don’t have debt, congratulations, but secretly I’m calling BULLSH*T.
   Success Plan: I only use my bank card. If you accumulate some credit card debt use Dave Ramsey’s snowball process to pay them off, look him up it’s a good process. For example you have a credit card that has a $1000 debt on it, you pay as much as possible monthly and pay the minimum on your other cards. When you pay off the $1000 card mentally you feel awesome, than you add that payment onto the minimum you were paying on the next card and begin chipping away at that balance and so on and so on if need be…until next Christmas at which point you can start all over.
4. “Quit Smoking” –Prologue/Opinion: I have to tell you, I don’t understand smoking. I smoked when I was younger for like 2 years, it was horrible! I believe everyone has a right to choose, you want to smoke, puff away! I am your friend, so I am going to tell you the most friend thing a friend can tell you…you smell. I mean you really smell. You’re used to the smell, because well you smell like nicotine all the time, but you do smell. No offense intended of course. Nicotine is a drug, and it has you hooked. If reading the label on a pack of smokes which states this product can kill you does not deter you it’s because big tobacco has you hooked and they know quitting has horrible withdrawal symptoms. If you went to the store to buy milk and the bottle said “this milk will kill you” would you buy it? Nope! Big tobacco has you hooked and everything you eat, drink and do comes with a smoke before or after and that habit along with the addiction is going to be hard to break.
   Success Plan: It takes about 2 months to form a habit, don’t fall for that 21 day nonsense that’s spewed it’s poppycock. If you’ve smoked a pack a day for 20 years it’s going to take you longer to quit for good than 21 days. Commitment, discipline and a change of habit is the true battle, you can try and only smoke 3/4 of a pack, and reduce from there. Try and stay away from things you do that you always associate a cigarette with, like eating, or drinking or sex…I have no idea why you smoke, but you should try and quit. If you really want to show up the haters like me who love you, but think you smell, prove to everyone you are a disciplined warrior who can do something 99% of us could never do and quit cold turkey.
5. “Try Something New”- We have been in lock down for 9 months. You think baking banana bread is new? Entenmann’s has been making banana bread for years and yours isn’t nearly as good as theirs. It’s probably delicious, but it’s not box it, sell it and profit good like Entenmann’s. Something new like painting or baking is a hobby, one which you will crap out on in 2 weeks when you get tired of the clean up. Trying something new needs to skin a knee or come with a photo of your cheeks being blown apart at 300 mph. According to statistics and reporting by entertainment websites that specialize in “bucket list” based activities, only 1% of the tens of thousands of inquiries they get annually sign up and follow through with activities such as sky diving, river rafting, climbing a mountain etc… people like you and me are the other 99% who are sketching fruit bowls.
   Success Plan: Okay admittedly doing something new does not have to be a threat to your life but I can assure you doing something new usually involves someone who has no interest in accompanying you. Start small, I joked about sketching or taking up art or baking, these really are great solo projects that may pique the interest of even the most uninterested…like me.
6. “Spend More Time with Family” – You’ve had 9 months of solitude and alone time with your family. The entire US are like scared kittens in a rain storm with this pandemic. If you go to Dunkin for a cup of coffee your spouse and kids are in hazmat suits when you come home until you shower in hand sanitizer. If you’re resolution for 2021 is to spend MORE time with your family I hope it is the ones you have not seen in a while and not the ones you’ve been stuck with who leave empty Cheetos bags and orange fingerprints all over the couch.
   Success Plan: when everyone stops panicking, be the first one to hug the ones you have not seen, and then whisper something really creepy in their ear like “you smell different when you’re awake” this way you can go another 9 months without having to see them.
7. “Spend Less Time on Social Media” – When I am eating my lunch at my desk I click on Facebook on my desktop, as I am scrolling I unconsciously grab my cellphone and click on the Facebook app on my phone while looking at Facebook on my desktop! C’mon! That’s just stupid! It’s not like I am looking at FB on my computer and Instagram on my phone, I opened the same damn social media outlet! Social media is addictive because it’s cool! Social media is a drug, it has been found that self-disclosure on social media ignites the same parts of your brain that ignites when taking addictive substances. Before social media I would never recognize someone I have not seen in 20 years, now through the power of social media I actually do recognize people I have not seen in years, I walk up to them and they ignore me because I am one of their 1465 friends and they are aloof about which one of them I am.
   Success Plan: You can do a social media detox, but you’ll be back! The best way to kick social media is to never start social media. Those who never use it are blessed and I need to know, can you spare an addict a selfie or two man…I’ll do anything you want!
8. “Travel More” – Covid has made it damn near impossible to feel safe traveling. I know people who do it, but wearing a mask must suck. It’s hard enough to get good air quality even pre-covid in that giant flying tube of airborne disease. To say now you want to travel is only because you know you can’t or won’t and when you can you’ll claim you “had the best staycation in 2020, so let’s do it again!”
   Success Plan: Take trips to the Jersey shore, it’s all you need! There is no better place on the planet than the Jersey Shore…Try and change my mind and I’ll just tell you you’re NUTS!
9. “Work on Your Relationship” – There was a study back in March of 2020 that stated there will be a huge baby boom due to people being isolated at home with their significant other. Contrary to all that sunshine and bullsh*t quite the opposite has occurred divorce inquiries are UP 112% worldwide, the US boasts a decline in divorce in 2020 but that’s because we didn’t fully shutdown and people would fein a cough and require a 2 week “social distance” to get away from conflict with their significant other.
   Success Plan: Look if you need to work on your relationship in 2021 you can blame 2020 for the stress but if this a repeat resolution you may want to take a break and learn to miss your significant other, get some therapy or commit to the Travel More resolution and just not go back home.
10. “Quit Drinking” – Ugh! Dry January, Sober October, just the thought gives me the detox jitters! If you participate in these sober months and/or don’t drink, good for you. I tried, I went 61 days without a drop of alcohol and honestly did not even miss it during the time without it. Aside from some mental clarity, there are no miraculous transformations that occur from quitting social drinking, alcoholism is a whole other beast. Here’s the thing, we all like having drinks, most of us don’t get stupid drunk every night. During social events we get “in the pocket” as my son calls it which is his term for a ‘nice smooth buzz.’ We like having a drink, your friends probably drink. I believe it’s easier to understand my drunk friends as the night progresses when I have few drinks in me rather than try to decipher what they are saying when I am sober, and believe me if you do decide to quit drinking, it is very weird being around your tipsy friends.
    Success Plan: For me eliminating alcohol from my diet regardless of its lack of nutrition is a hard NO! While alcohol has no nutritional value, it can fit into a healthy lifestyle if consumed responsibly. A drink every day if you can limit yourself to one is actually not bad for you the experts say. I unfortunately cannot limit myself to one drink so therefore I now stick to the 7/11 rule. I only have 11 drinks in a 7 day period usually Friday (4), Saturday (4) and Sunday (3). While some of you may think that’s still a lot, some weeks I was doubling that. There are benefits to quitting drinking or taking a break, mental clarity, maybe a little less bloated. For me the best benefit was it cost me way less to get hammered when Friday hits because my tolerance for booze is low! (That is a joke folks, stay in the pocket.)

So there ya have it kids. New Year Resolutions are great, they give us an opportunity and excuse to hit the reset button. We forgive ourselves for all of our overindulging or what we have identified as self neglect throughout the year, which if you really think about there is nothing you did that should warrant self-torment at the beginning of each year, but we do it anyway. Resolutions are not easy to stick too, we often forget what we committed to this year and start all over again making promises of change next year and the next and the next, its a vicious cycle. A rule of thumb is to just pick one thing to work on, focus on it as a long term goal, not as an immediate fix. Take baby steps, trying to undo years of enjoying life then suddenly hitting reset may seem like a good idea, but statistics show that less than 8% of Americans who do that stick to their resolution plan.
Good luck to all of you who set out on your ‘New Year, New Me’ plan. I will be rooting you on eating a burrito, while buying a Peloton on my Amazon charge card, watching videos of people fall in the rapids while rafting, ignoring my family, but stalking them on Facebook as I plan my vacation with my spouse all while drinking bourbon! But I still won’t smoke because nicotine stinks!

Good luck my friends and Happy New Year!!

I enjoy setting challenges for myself. These goals are not very exciting, not even really that challenging. They are not going to cause any of you to run and change your bucket list in hopes of matching my accomplishments. I am not climbing Mt. Everest, hell, I don’t even like climbing the stairs in my house, forget a mountain! These challenges are more a mind over matter and are used to assess my intestinal fortitude, but sometimes they are a necessary evil to curb the demons.

Recently, (November 24th, 2018 to be exact) I made the decision after several weeks of round after round of confrontation with that pesky liver of mine to take a break from alcohol consumption. I was accustomed to partaking in dry January but sort of felt a “detox” was needed sooner. So, after a holiday celebration bender on November 23rd, I awoke the 24th, sat on the couch feeling like crap, and at that point made the declaration I need to take a break!

Step 1: Decide the length of the challenge? At that moment, I thought to myself ‘1 day seems long enough, after all it is the holiday season and I just bought 2 bottles of Bourbon…Damn it Bret, get your head together man!’ I decided I would not set a date but let the challenge evolve on its own.

Step 2: Telling my family. (Them folk don’t take lightly to quitters!) I recall talking to my wife telling her I think I am drinking too much I am going to quit for awhile, to which she responded “Forever?” to which I said “I don’t know how long, I haven’t gotten that far yet.” to which she followed “You don’t expect me to quit do you?” to which I said “no, no, I don’t expect you to quit.” She supported my decision, understood where I was coming from but thought I was nuts, after all “It is the holidays, what are you going to do with those 2 bottles of Bourbon?” I spoke to my brother next, who much like my wife was very supportive, but also thought I was nuts “Dude, its the holidays, wait, can I have your 2 bottles of Bourbon?”

Step 3: Talking to someone. I wanted to ascertain if I was heading into a bad direction with my consumption. I attended a Christian based open forum meeting close to where I work. I was dressed in my business attire, had a meeting with the pastor. As I spoke he sort of had the same look in his eyes as my family, kind of like I was a few Peeps short of an Easter Basket. But he told me to sit in the meeting to which I accepted. The 1st step to fixing a problem is admitting you have a problem.

Step 4: Be open: I took 1 of 5 seats set in a circle in the meeting room. I was very early and waited patiently. I took the time to check and respond to emails, write out my shopping list, change up my weightlifting program I saved in the notes of my phone. I heard voices in the hall outside the meeting room. I must admit, I got a little nervous. I am a good public speaker when I need to be, but this is about ME, this was about a concern I had which is forcing me to challenge myself! What if I am worse off then what I thought? What if I am worse off then everyone attending? “Calm yourself Bret, calm.”

Step 5: First impressions: I could not hide my emotion. I didn’t know what to say or even where to begin, my tongue swollen, I was speechless. The pastor walked in he took seat #2, followed by the participants, my soon to be support group, who filed in to fill the remaining 3 seats. Attendee #1: Was not from this century, he must’ve been 300 years old, 200 years ago, I swear he went to put a bottle of Ten High Whiskey in his flannel pocket only to realize he had no pockets and dropped the plastic bottle on the floor. Attendee #2: Was a rotund man, he had an angry face, not very intimidating, had it been clean I probably would’ve pinched his cheeks to try and get him to smile. He wore a sweat suit, the top half 2 sizes to small to cover his lower tummy, the bottoms were…well, struggling to stay on. Attendee #3: Was wearing a bathrobe! He wore jeans, a shirt and a bathrobe over it all! Speechless!

Step 6: Introductions and final meeting: Attendee #1 :“Hello my name is (Centurion) the first thing I do when I wake up is count out $6 to buy my whiskey.” My internal voice yells: ‘What the F**k?!?!’ Attendee #2: “My name is (Captain Sweatpants) the first thing I do is make breakfast, after I pour my first drink.” My internal voice screams: ‘What the ever loving F**k?!?!’ Attendee #3: “My name is (Bathrobe) the first thing I do is reach for a smoke and a shot.”  My internal voice now in sheer panic: ‘What the F**k are we doing here?!?!’ A new voice breaks my trance “Bret, would you like to share what you do when you wake up?” the voice belongs to the pastor. “Um, yeah…”, I stutter, “Yoga…I ah, like to do Yoga.” My newly founded “support group” looks at me. Their expressions, speechless emotion covers their face, much like mine when I first gazed at them walking into the room. The first to break the awkward silence was Bathrobe. I was sitting to his left, when he turned to look at me in bewilderment and as God is my witness asked me “Are you nuts?!?!”

I went 61 days without a drink. Challenge complete.

I am a social media voyeur. Unless I have something satirical to post, I usually just gander around liking pictures or posts, funny memes and occasionally the inspirational quote.

I am by no means a scholar. I have the retention of a colander and the attention span of a…oh look a squirrel! I barely passed lunch in school let alone real academic courses such as the class where you add and subtract and the other one when you learn about really old stuff.

I always loved to write, not solely because I felt I was creative, but also because I had really pretty handwriting for a guy and I liked to show it off. I enjoyed the pen and paper, if you were writing and made a mistake, misspelled something, a sentence did not make sense, you had to start over.

With the invention of MS Word, Notes, even this current format I am using to type this, if I make a mistake, I can spell check, delete an entire paragraph, edit it, cut and paste to move words around, link to research a word if I am uncertain of its meaning. It’s limitless how much technology assists us with literacy. No more cursing and crumpling a piece of paper.

As I mentioned, I am a social media voyeur…I also happen to be a judgmental grammar critic, sentence structure faultfinder, who like many want to shake you and ask when we read your social media posts:

WTF?

I am angry, excited, surprised, scared! I want to scream my emotion from a mountain, but I don’t have a mountain, I have social media and right now I am pissed off! So I am going to write frantically in anger to get all of my enraged feelings out without so much as giving a single solitary thought of proof reading my post and the fact you have no idea that I am only watching Game of Thrones and my favorite character just got wronged! “U hav kno idea, hw nraged I jst can not taket, i sware tht thing maks me so angry! Im sure you argree!!!” POST DAMN IT, POST!!!

I understand social media is the closest form for some of the more socially awkward people, to actually communicate with other people (myself being quite awkward as well).  If you don’t want society to think you are an unstable serial killer who wants to wear other peoples skin and would like to be invited to a future party, perhaps proof reading, spell checking and presenting a clear message of what you are trying to say will make a good first impression. So I must ask:

WTF, are you talking about?!?

Vagueposting, its whats in! It’s cool, it’s hip, it’s mysterious, SMDH, FML, WTF screams ‘My life is so complex, ask me why!’ “Hey bro, read your post that said FML, everything ok Bro? you ok Bro? PM me Bro! Bro?…BROOOO?!?!”  These posts are real attention grabbers, like offering a bite of your filet o’ fish to a great white, you get consumed! Smacked with the glaring reality that is social media our posts are interpreted as a cry for help, before we seek real help, “SMDH crazy driver caused an accident!” POST DAMN IT, POST! Don’t call 911, log into your social media account. No need to detail you are only stuck in traffic due to the accident and you are fine. Be sure to worry all 500 of your friends and family by never following up to tell them you are OK and then going social media silent until your next birthday. I must ask you:

WTF is wrong with you?!?

Some people I know may read this and think “that son of sheep herder, he’s talking about me!” Social media has made us all narcissistic, every post anything we can apply to our life or relate too we instantly think it’s about us, ‘did you see that meme it’s so me!’ You mean the one that says “If you keep following your dreams, they’re going to file a restraining order” ‘Yeah that one!‘ I know, I can relate I stalk my ex who was the one of my dreams and….‘No you idiot it means I should quit my job and pursue my dream to…‘ The problem with social media is as personal as you want it to be, it’s still impersonal and the person(s) reading it may take it out of context, like my last social media post which stated “Out getting gas” WTF, am I at Taco Bell or Exxon? You’ll never know, talk to you on my birthday!

I have to workout. Its not that I don’t workout. I workout everyday, whether its Yoga or lifting weights. I do something and the benefits are relevant, no high blood pressure, low cholesterol blah, blah, blah. I am not just phoning it in, I am sweaty, sore, pumped and any other Bro-science terms you want to insert. It’s just I find myself at a crossroads where I am saying more and more I have to workout.

If you are looking for fitness advice read the title again. This entry is not going to give you the secrets to six-pack abs. If I knew there was a secret to six-pack abs other then eating right 95% of the time I would have abs damn it. You can read all the “fitness guru” nonsense that says just eat 80% healthy, 20% whatever you want, that’s crap! If you want abs, you need to eat right 95% of the time. Unless you are a genetic freak abs are made in the kitchen. (I guess I just gave some fitness advice, you’re welcome.)

I workout to eat, I eat because food is yummy. If I did not workout I would be on My 600lb Life because, I like to eat like an eight year old. I am not an eight year old, I am a 49 year old, who also no longer has an eight year old’s metabolism. For facts sake even when I was eight, I did not have an eight year old’s metabolism. My workout consists of flexibility, conditioning, heavy weights, and commitment, my nutrition consists of making sure none of my workout just mattered.

My wife mentions on a regular basis that I am the only one in the house who is “in shape”. She says this because I am committed to working out daily. She believes this because I have a perfect storm of muscle and fat that makes me look like a silver back gorilla and she loves monkeys. I have the appetite of a pride of lion without the need to exert any extra energy to track my next meal. My prey is in the shape of an immobile double door Frigidaire 6 feet from my couch. After my workouts I stalk my prey like it was a gazelle, if that gazelle was stuffed with leftover chicken fingers and string cheese.

In my youth if I gained a little fat, (clarification, a little more fat), there was a really cool bro-science term bodybuilders would use to add muscle by getting chubby called “Bulking”. I myself have been using this progressive muscle building technique of “Bulking” for 30 years, straight. There is a counter part to “Bulking” called “Cutting” the act of reducing the affects of “Bulking” to see all the hard work you put into the gym. This “Cutting” is for the disciplined. I am certain my eight year old palate which is accustomed to pb&j, pizza, and chicken fingers would erupt into protest if I proceeded to replace our PB&J with egg whites, our pizza with brown rice and the crunchy exterior of our chicken fingers with just the chicken.

My need to workout is not due to having to add more time and tension to my workouts. It is due to the complex nature of my nutrition which derives from the mind of my inner eight year old who has provided me with psychological proof that a Pop Tart is way more delicious then hot Oatmeal and a hot Oatmeal Cookie is way more delicious then no cookie at all.

I have to workout.

Throughout our childhood lots of people come in and out of our lives. Some we get along with and they may consider us friends, some just become cordial acquaintances, and then there are some who may take a little extra joy in making our lives a living hell. Society has labeled these kids bullies. There is the neighborhood bully, playground bully, nowadays there are even online bullies. Ladies and gentlemen I am here to tell you none of these bullies even remotely compare to the bullying you were exposed to if you had an older sibling!

“INTRODUCING THE CHALLENGER!”: As a young 9 year old, I was not blessed with the finest of genetics. I was lazy, no athletic ability, I had the good fortune of a being 30 lbs. overweight, a tight kinky afro 3 sizes too big for my head, and to top this total package off a perfect set of pointy little boy B cup boobies. I was addicted to television and the TV Guide we received once per week in the mail was my day planner. Yes, I would schedule my day around what was on TV. Summer was the best! Breakfast, snacks, lunch, snacks, snacks, and more snacks were consumed in front of the TV in our basement all in the comfort of my plush, form fitting beanbag. I knew what was on at what time and would stock up on provisions, which usually consisted of sweet cereal, sleeves of Saltines, my mother worked for our school district she would bring home Drake’s cakes in abundance, Ring Dings, Yodels, Devil Dogs, this was when they were wrapped individually in the aluminum foil, I would always have a supply by my side and wash all this down with rust colored powdered sugar water that the stores used to pass off as Iced Tea.

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN MAKING HIS WAY TO THE RING… THE CHAMPION, SEAN!”:  On the other side of the squared circle we had my 12 year old brother Sean. He was six feet tall at 12, cool hair, slim as a rail, athletic, perfect “chicano” top lip mustache that all the kids in the late 1970’s wanted. His day consisted of arguing with my mom about having to come inside. He would wake at the crack of dawn and we would not see him until dinner time. He was an elite athlete at 12 years old, but his calling in life came to fruition in the form of wiffle ball. He could throw a 90 mph wiffle ball with a curve that looked like it was being thrown at the next door neighbors house only to have the ball swerve into the “strike zone” which was just a square panel on the garage door. He would spend 8 hours per day with our neighbor Kevin in our driveway smacking homeruns, which was determined if you hit the house across the street. The elderly couple who lived there had no idea what was intermittently pelting their house everyday!

My brother and I were, to say the least quite opposite.

On occasion my mother would have enough of me always sitting in my bean bag, surrounded by carbs and rust color sugar water. It was usually when my stepdad pointed out I had not seen daylight in 2 weeks. It would be at this point my mom would click the downstairs light on and off causing me temporary blindness, while calling my name “Bret…” I would make believe I did not hear her only to be met with a louder more stern “BRET!” “Whhhaaaat??” I would whine. “Come take out the garbage!”  I would look at the TV confused while Gilligan was causing all kinds of chaos on the island, and would respond to my mother “ME?” as if she made an error assigning this task, to which she would respond “GET YOUR ASS UP HERE AND TAKE OUT THIS GARBAGE!” I would look at the TV as I tried to teeter myself out of the beanbag and mutter “I wish I was on an island like you Gilligan!”

Taking out the garbage took preparation for me. I would have to mentally and physically prepare to take the verbal assault all while moving my pudgy frame as quick as possible. Our garbage can was on the side of the driveway, next to the garage. I would look out the window to see if the wiffle ball world series was going on, once I confirmed and whimpered it was still in full swing I would take a deep breath and exit the front door.

As a 9 year old who’s imagination was molded by endless hours of television, I was determined that if I held the bag in front of me it would be like a cloak of invisibility. Reality bites quick, the first step out of the door I was met with “Oh, look who came out of his cave, what’d you lose the TV guide.” I would walk down the sidewalk and steps, my brother at the end of the driveway, ball in hand. I would enter the active field of play, both players staring at me as I pressed my chubby self against the retention wall that lined the driveway to make myself as “small” as possible to avoid game play interference and deflect their verbal assault. I lift the lid to the garbage can go to put the bag in, when I hear “get off the field dick!” accompanied was the sound of whistling and the instant sting as I was peppered by a 90 mph wiffle ball to the middle of my back.

Now, my brother and Kevin whipped the wiffle ball at each other all day, they would take pitches to the thighs, back, faces, etc… pick up the ball throw it back and get right back in play. I was delicate, my body was not made of lean muscle that came from exertion and activity, my body was made up of Saltines and Ring Dings. My body was not equipped to take a wiffle ball to the back, this just did not occur when your day is spent sitting in bean bag!

I digress. In what seemed like slow motion, I spun around, in my field of vision as I spin, I see Kevin on the ground laughing. My mouth in a paralyzed open gasp, as my fat back and brain attempt to comprehend what just occurred and the slight stinging…I mean unfathomable pain shooting up my spine! I see my brother, staring at me with his chicano mustache and snickering smile, and in front of me I see the WMD, (wiffleball of mass destruction.) In one swift move surprising myself how nimble I was, my eyes glazed over in rage, I stomp on the wiffle ball, cracking it in an irreparable, unusable mound of plastic!

As a 9 year old, out of shape, kinky curly afro haired, B cup sized titted little boy, stuffed with crackers and ring dings, who just defended himself against a missile launched attack from your 12 year old alpha male brother. My imagination took over and we declared victory, I was the defender of all bullied younger siblings. I had taken a stand and won! Until the 3 most terrifying words ever muttered by an older sibling were muttered by my brother...”YOU BETTER RUN!”  Quickly snapped back into reality, and by the look on my brothers face, I rapidly began to map my escape. I had 10 feet from the garbage can to the 4 steps to the sidwalk, 15 feet from the sidewalk to the 4 steps to safety where my mother would be able to hear my screams of “SAVE ME!” Sean starts his doomsday countdown “10, 9, 8…” I take off full speed, which was by best comparison equivalent to a snail, riding a slug trying to escape a French chef. As I lump my way up the steps
“7, 6, 5…”  half way across the sidewalk, I look over my shoulder Sean is in the same spot at the end of the driveway, my sanctuary in site, a few more feet to the last 4 steps “4, 3, 2…” I lift my foot to hit the first step I hear “1!” 

I am not certain how he did it, my assumption is my parents gave birth to some new form of a hybrid predator that took the form of a six foot, 12 year old, but as my foot was in the air heading towards the first step, Sean who was a good 25 feet away from me, leapt up the hill that was our front yard, landed directly behind me and repeated “YOU BETTER RUN!” 

Instead of continuing up the stairs to safety in hopes my mother would hear me being murdered, terror took over and I decided to run around the side of the house towards the backyard in hopes to outrun this hybrid apex predator! As I flee once again, I look back, Phew! He is letting me go, if I can make it to the backyard 15 more feet I will be in the main yard and mom will see me, I will be safe! I was just rounding the back corner of the house, I can see safety, hear my mom singing through the open window, when I feel long fingers grab a hold of my afro, pulling me off my feet onto my back. I lay in the grass, winded, sun in my eyes, hovering over me is the chicano mustached predator!

I yell, winded and exhausted from running 20 feet “I am going to tell mom!” My imagination taking over as my brother snickers and says in a 19th Century English super villains voice “Mother can not help you little brother!” My mind playing tricks on me due to the exhaustion this 5 minutes of terror has caused me. I am hallucinating my brother is in a vest with our family crest on it, him pulling a silver knife he used to slay our father out of his riding boot, the knife encrusted with the jewels from our fathers crown! I snap back to reality and realize this reality is worse there hovering over me is my brother in his filthy Rush shirt, jean cutoffs our mother cut too short, I am staring up at one of his testicles sticking out because the shorts do not fit right! I scream, don’t stab me! He says in his choppy pubescent voice “Stab, you, you’re not getting off that easy, I have something worse for you!” My brother proceeds to pull out a gigantic handful of dried leaves and proceeds to shovel them in my mouth! SIDE-NOTE: Our lawn was impeccable. Our stepfather was impeccably neat, he was the Sheriff of smudges and carried a holster with cleaning products in it to thwart them. The only thing he was more obsessed about than clean windows was the damn lawn. The fact that my brother had a handful of dried leaves when I can assure there was never a leaf allowed to trespass on our lawn leads me to believe he hoarded these leaves during the fall season to use at a later date as an instrument of torture and force me to consume.

As quickly as the dry leaf attack started was as quickly as it was over, in my mind it lasted for hours, but it was mere seconds. My brother disappears in a predatory cat like leap, I proceed to spit out the residuals of the foliage attack, while simultaneously clearing the tears that are stinging my eyes, when from the porch window, not ten feet from the scene, just out of sight from where I paid my penance for destroying the possibly game winning ball of the World Series of wiffleball I hear my mother, she leans through the window, unaware of the carnage and proceeds to scold me “Get off the lawn and clean up those leaves Vinny mowed the lawn yesterday AND come inside, its 9am I have to leave and don’t want you and your brother fighting!” I stand, straighten my tight shirt, wipe down my adult size sweat pants, realign my B cups, pick up the leaves, fluff the indentation of my body and walk inside…it’s 9am, Tom and Jerry is on.

When you gonna give to me, a gift to me? Is it just a matter of time Corona? Is it d-d-estiny, d-destiny, or is it just a game in my mind, Corona!

You sassy little vixen! What’s mine is yours, whats yours is mine, till death do us part, in sickness and in health. I’ll show you what the true meaning of that is Mister!

Hello Rosie, Queen of Corona!

“Say what? Come again? You know my Spanish is rusty!” “I’m not speaking Spanish you idiot, Carol tested positive for Coronavirus, we’ve all been exposed, I’m heading home, it’s probably why I have not been feeling well you should come home you’ve been exposed.” “Oh, come again…this time slower you lost me when you were speaking Spanish…”

“Dad, WTF! What are we going to do? We’ve been home for months safe, what are we going to do!?!?” “Well, Daddy has a 4 pack of beer and am really craving pepperoni pizza, I’ll drink a beer, eat some pizza, send your mother to the doctors and probably write a blog about this shit…” “DAD! Pay attention!!” “Sorry did I drift? I’ll spray some bleach and hopefully we will all be ok…let’s see what the doctor says, no worries, don’t panic Dad is here.”

Holy shit everyone panic mom has the f’ing RONA!!! Oprah is possessing me: “You have it, I have it, the dogs have it, the neighbors have it, everyone has it! Covid-19 for everyone!!!” Drama much!

Eh, this ain’t so bad, I feel fine, I am probably immune to this, I’m too healthy. I’ll nurture Rosie back to health sit in quarantine for 2 weeks be back to working my face off again in a couple of weeks. I’m going for a walk!

Cough, cough, sniffle, sniffle…Damn you allergies! Oh…these allergies are making me feel a little achy. Let me try and get some rest…blink, blink, yawn, blink. Why won’t you sleep! Close your eyes, stay closed, no closed you idiot, stay closed! Damn you!

These allergies are probably not allergies. I don’t recall hay fever, causing body aches and 100.4 fever and a headache that feels like my head and brain are being fresh squeezed for a zombie screwdriver! Mmm, Tito’s and brains!

So, ah, hey doc listen I got these symptoms, but before I tell you what they are first let me start with: MY WIFE GAVE ME CORONAVIRUS! AM I DYING!?!? IS THIS THE BIG ONE ‘LIZABETH!?!?

“Mr.Dramaqueen, I mean Esbrandt, my name is not Elizabeth, and no you are not going to die. This virus needs to run its course, stay away from everyone, take Tylenol, it’s going to suck for awhile, if you feel like you’re going to die, go to the hospital, but stop being so dramatic.” “Moi? Dramatic? I’m offended!”

Fever, fever, fever, cough, I can’t breath, I can’t sleep, why does this food taste like dogsh*t? And why do I know what dogsh*t tastes like? “What do you mean I’m crabby and I should lie down! I’m not a child, I’m 50 years old and if you keep treating me like a child I’m not letting you in my cushion fort and you can’t play with my imaginary friends! Force-field! I can’t hear you!” I think my fever is back, I should go lie down.

“Hello new doctor, can you explain why my baby maker my wedding tackle, my meat and two veg, my twig and berries, the ole taliwhacker, my banger and mash is shooting flames whenever I try to pee? This must be a symptom of The Rona right? No, nothing to do with it, my junk is just broken, 10 days of medicine, so nothing for Covid-19 but a burning pecker gets a prescription? We thank you for your priorities Doc…”

Can someone please explain when we put 77 flights of stairs in this house, how many stories is this building? There are only 5 steps? I’m this winded from walking up 5 steps? I should probably go lie on my stomach for a few hours, and don’t get funny with that thermometer! I’ll roll over to take my temperature!

Listen, I know it’s 3am, I know you haven’t slept in days, I get this virus is reeking havoc on your mind and body, I realize being alone with your own thoughts can sometimes lead to anxiety but now is no time to try and figure out why the letter W starts with a D! Go to sleep!!!

Google: “can I die from taking NyQuil with Coronavirus?” 50% chance of yes also means 50% chance of NO! Sweet dreams or so long cruel world…whichever comes first.

Nyquil the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing. aching, coughing, stuffy-head, fever, I am still alive, it’s morning and I am still ALIVE, medicine. And I feel better! Nyquil – 1 / Grim Reaper – 0.

I feel great! I’m thinking of coming back to work mid week. What do you mean June? You don’t want me to come back to my hotel until June? I run the place and I feel better I’d like to come back and get some work done. I understand I had Coronavirus symptoms, I understand you would feel safer me not going to work. I just feel like that’s harsh. No I’m not talking back to you Mom, I just feel like that’s my employers decision. Yes ma’am I’ll give them your number.

Friday April 24th, 2020 Our quarantine began. Today is May 11, 2020 I am lying on my bed writing this summary of my experience with the Rona. I am anticipating going back to work the week of May 18th. My family and I will be going tomorrow May 12th for the antibody test and should we test positive we have successfully fought off Covid-19 with nothing but a few bumps, a few bruises, a long recovery to get back in shape, but no jail time served, well until we decide to have a cul de sac booze fest next weekend so stay tuned for the bail money GoFundMe page.

 

Captains Log:

May 6 Year 2020, Day 13 of Covid-19 Quarantine

04:00 Captains Log: I am awake. The pack member Jameson wants to get on the bed. Instead of coming to my side he trots to the side Charito is usually on and whines to get picked up, this forces me out of bed, to walk around and put him on the bed. This.dog.is.spoiled.

08:00 Captains Log: I am now awake and going through electronic messaging. More guests are arriving at Vessel Courtyard, which is a good sign, however some are under the impression the hotel industry is working under normal conditions. Which it is not and will not be for a very very long time. Folks.its.guerrilla.warfare.customer.service.in.NY/NJ!

09:00 Captains Log: Some Special K Vanilla Almond and antibiotics! Put me in Coach it’s the breakfast of champions! Next.stop.cover.of.a.Wheaties.Box!

13:00 Captains Log: Mess Hall – Panera’s chicken soup. There are a lot of orange things in this soup, Charito calls them “carrots” she says they are good for me. Now.I.definitely.don’t.want.to.eat.them!

14:00 Captains Log: I believe this will be my last day of quarantine chronicles. Tomorrow I will begin writing my overall experience of this virus. I am certain my interpretation and expertise of this pandemic will be published by many health periodicals and used as a reference guide for future medical resources. Or.MAD.magazine.

15:00 Captains Log: I wish there were afternoon cartoons.

15:15 Captains Log: Pay-dirt! Amazon Prime Video has all the classics. I’m going to start a little Popeye marathon and see from there. Think.popeye.takes.steroids?

16:00 Captains Log: This cough is frickinridiculous. It was Charito’ last phase of her battle and it seems to be a symptom albeit an annoying as crap one which is making it hard to finish sentences. I’m.kicking.my.own.ass!!

17:00 Captains Log: The last 13 days I’ve mentioned many times how fast the days have gone by. I get up blink and next thing you know it’s night time. I thought not being able to nap would make them drag along but no, fortunately the days have gone by fast. Except for today! Today feels like someone shoved my ass in a molasses barrel and sent me down a cold playground slide! I want to chug a bottle of NyQuil and sleep until this f’ing nightmare is over. Oh.great.another.time.out.for.the.Captain.

19:00 Captains Log: As I began this entry the youngest pack member drunken Jameson proceeded to walk up my legs, and four paw crush my giblets! He then proceeded to plop himself on my chest as I reached to comfort my bangers and mash at which point he licked me right in the mouth! I.kid.you.not.this.dog.is.an.alien!

20:00 Captains Log: Crushed walnuts aside, lying down helps with the cough and makes breathing much easier. My glasses on the other hand make my eyes hurt like crazy. Think.its.time.to.get.a.check-up.

21:00 – ???: I have a freaking migraine! My left eye feels like it’s going to split open and a little Alien is going to pop out and terrorize my vessel! Whoa momma! This is not pleasurable. I’d rather have the little dog step on my yahoo again! How.long.can.you.live.with.no.head?

Captains Log:

May 5 Year 2020, Day 12 of Covid-19 Quarantine

04:00 Captains Log: I’m awake. Sleepy time medicine wore off pretty fast. This insomnia has been for the birds. I.think.I’m.hungry!

07:30 Captains Log: I am now really hungry. I’m going to grab a bowl of cereal and hopefully fall back asleep. But.first.the.pack.needs.to.pee.

08:00 Captains Log: Cereal was perfect. Medicine has been consumed, the pack is all tucked back in. I’m getting sleepy again, sleepy…you’re asleep!

10:30 Captains Log: I’m awake! Wow, I must’ve knocked out. I was woken up by my phone. Wow, I feel better. On.the.mend.baby!

12:00 Captains Log: Charito made me a sandwich. I think she’s in love with me or something. Either that or she’s trying to hijack my vessel! She’s.a.little.bit.of.alright.baby.

13:00 Captains Log: I’m kind of bored lying around. There’s really nothing else to do but lie around, but it does not make it anymore fun. I.wish.I.could.nap.the.day.away

15:00 Captains Log: Hmmm, not much to report. Symptoms are minimal, the pack is behaving. I.guess.I.may.start.a.summary.entry.tomorrow.

16:00 Captains Log: I made Charito a margarita for Cinco de Mayo. I cannot partake in adult beverages yet. I have lost 15 lbs. from this illness, my body is pretty atrophied. I document this because as soon as I feel better and am off the meds I’ll probably gain back the 15 and add 15 more especially easy when I can have booze again. In.the.meantime.its.nice.to.have.a.deflated.belly.

18:00 Captains Log: I am hungry! Did I say I lost 15lbs? I should delete that, nobody will believe me when they see me again. The.fat.boy.will.be.back.

19:00 Captains Log: Going to try and eat some real food tonight. No soup and crackers let’s see how this goes. No.nausea.no.nausea.whammy!

19:30 Captains Log: And the dumbest award goes to me for thinking I could eat boneless wings as my first real meal in 9 days! My.ass.is.now.on.fire.and.I’m.nauseous.

20:00 Captains Log: I’m all medicated. Charito washed my sleeping shorts. I’m tucked in bed. The pack is quiet. I’m going to look for something to watch until I fall asleep. Hopefully get a full night sleep, it’d be ideal to sleep until like Monday but I’ll settle for a good 8 – 10 hours. Rest.equals.recovery.