“Holy Sh*t this is really happening!” She is in white, I am in white. She does, I do…I now pronounce you…a few dances later, a plane ride to the Caribbean, get on the wrong bus to the resort, bowchickawowow, fly home. That went fast!
Ok I will see you next weekend! Man my mom is going to have a lot of laundry from this trip! Whats wrong you want me to drive you home? I can come over if you want…
Wait we are married! We are married…Married…
Three years earlier we were at my Senior prom, both dressed in white. Fast forward its our wedding day we look almost identical to prom day, she is stunning, I still had a fro-let, both in white. While our appearances hadn’t really changed much, the cost of the pictures sure did. The prom picture with us all in white cost $50 and came with a piece of chicken. This new picture of us in white cost about $30,000 and came with shrimp cocktail and a person to fluff my new brides dress, I think its called bustling. All I know is it made it hard to grab her butt when we danced.
This marriage is already off to a rough start!
They say the average marriage starts to fall apart around 6.5 years. Statistics state 60% of people married between the ages of 20 – 25 will end in divorce. We were together since we were 15 years old, engaged at 19 years old, married at 21 years old. If these stats were based on total relationship time, we are looking at a solid 6 months of bliss before we fizzle into couples purgatory. Not even 22 years old and I could be facing alimony payments. We better make this work, I will not pay for her to spoil some other man with 50% of my hard earned $12 per hour I contribute to this 6 month marriage!
Eight months later, HAH, in your face, still married! We showed those damn statisticians…“Bret, I am pregnant.” Of course you are babe! I am a stud! I am super potent, all you had to do is drink from the same glass as me and you’d get knocked up, I am surprised you are not carrying like 10 kids in there! With the exception of the I am pregnant part absolutely none of that other stuff was said. I literally tripped up the stairs, not down the stairs, up them in excitement. I kicked the bottom step and wound up on the landing, somehow clearing the other four steps between. Not only did marriage statistics not apply to me, but gravity did not either.
We live for our children. My child is my life. Nothing else matters but my kids. No argument from this guy here, but…what about US? Are WE going to get lost? Will we forget about each other? Not on my watch! I have no remorse in saying ‘you owe me!’ I was here before poopy diaper girl! Remember that bustle on your wedding dress? It prevented me from grabbing your butt for a full four hours! Alexis, meet Barney, he is a singing dinosaur you will love him, Mommy and Daddy will be right back.
Well that took longer then I thought. Who’s the marathon man? I am! Five years later and “Bret, I am pregnant.” Phew! Can I stop now, I need some Gatorade! Our baby boy arrives. Two kids, double the attention. But what about us? Are we going to get lost? Niko meet Alexis, Alexis keep your eye on the baby, Mommy and Daddy will be right ba…
6.5 years into marriage two kids, a shih-tzu and I am diagnosed with bi-polar disorder…fuuuuuuudge! Yeah, yeah, I get it! Lots of people have road blocks in their marriage, we have had a few in ours as well, dark times, I went on meds, got help…yada yada. Based on overall years we still beat the odds against us. My wife is a fighter, and in return she made me a fighter. Keep moving, nothing to see here, this a feel good story.
As the man of the house I made the decision we should stop at two children. We were maxed out, we were not capable of loving more. She fought me and argued and threatened but in the end I knew what was best for the marriage:
Me: ‘So ah, how many more times do you want the Big Bad Booty Daddy to knock you up?’
Her: “None you crazy bastard, as a matter of fact I made you an appointment to get fixed.”
Me: ‘Um, well, ah, fixed…?’
As you can clearly see I was firm but fair and she embraced my decision that two kids were fine.
We met young, were engaged young, married young, were young parents, I was “fixed” young, before most of my friends were even married. We beat the 60%, 20 – 25 year old age bracket divorce rate statistic. Other statistic of concern were, 41% of all first marriages end in divorce, 13% of new parents end in divorce, 1% of bloggers who write about their marriage end in murder. I mean the statistics are just stacked up against me! How did I do it!
From my perspective our relationship was successful due to me setting the ground rules. As our family grew I wanted to be certain we did not wind up in the abyss of statistics. I recall sitting Rosie down and having a stern conversation about what her role was, “Listen, I am your husband. I need you to understand in order for this to all work… Are you listening, this is very, very important. For all this to succeed you are now in charge of making sure I do not do stupid shit AND never leave me unsupervised!”
To this day she still agrees, this is the key to our bliss.
#Adulting 