Don’t kid yourself, 70 is not the new 60, 60 is not the new 50, and 50 is definitely not the new 40. Fifty is fifty! At best when you turn 50 you may still feel 49 that’s only due to being in shock you just turned a half century. Physically at 50 you may be able to do some or maybe all the things you did when you were 40. Hell, I can still lift a small car like I did when I was 20, 30 and 40, but now at fifty, something will, I repeat, will – pinch, pop, go numb, become inflamed or flat out dislocate or break. You will NOT recover from the activity like you did in your younger years no matter how active you are. If you do, you are a freak of nature, and I am talking an X-Men type mutant.
And…here’s my science of why:
Slower Protein Synthesis (the process in which our muscle cells regenerate) – This slowing process much like my waistline and hair loss almost doubles every year after the age of 40. That means by the time you are 50 you are nothing but a limp hay filled scarecrow getting pecked by young birds! Drink all the protein shakes you want to try and reverse this, while you’re at it have fun trying to burn off the additional calories with your hay stuffed legs! If you are a 50(+) aged runner you will eventually if not already; hurt a knee, get plantar fasciitis or worse unprovoked ass cramping (this injury can also be caused by sitting on the toilet to long while checking Facebook.) Something will happen and you will not recover like you did when you were 40 or younger, because you are, whether you accept it or not, fifty. (Now wipe, stand and stretch!)
Nutritional and Hormonal Remodeling- There was nothing better then being in our youth, maybe you just got done with a hard workout and are hitting up a post workout meal or perhaps you had the late night “munchies” and stopped at a burger joint for a triple with cheese, large fry and a soda! Your body was a furnace! But, you are 50 now, not 20 and if you eat that crap the GPS tracking device your doctor planted in your ass when they gave you “you are now at that age” exam will signal chest pains with a side of stomach cramps and you will be running to the shitter for the next four hours. Much like our bodies change, droop, drop and wrinkle, so do our hormones and nutritional needs. Christ I want to go to Five Guys!
You are not attractive – to 20 something year old’s…Make no mistake, I am super cute, my wife has to tell me everyday or I would cut off my ears which have taken over my head, get reconstructive surgery on my bulbous nose, and vacuum out my basset hound jowls. I am freaking eye candy! But I don’t pretend to kid myself nor should you. The 20 something year old you are eyeballing and you think is eyeballing you? Wrong! They are wondering if you are one of their parents friends and also wondering if you are going to snitch that they are vaping. And, if they do find you attractive it is only due to them thinking “I bet that limping hay stack can pay my tuition debt.” If you believe you are that person who thinks otherwise, who still says “I would wreck that 20 something year old, they don’t even know!” Reality check, when you are done in record time and are beaming from ear to ear about how you “tapped that.” Heed my warning, the next words from the child in your bed will not be “You want to meet my parents?” it will be, as you doze off into post coitus bliss, “You wanna go to the club?” At which point you will write a check to cover their school loans with a little extra for an Uber, roll over, and finish that nap.
Today I turn 50. I feel great, I honestly do. I still run/walk, lift relatively heavy weights, do some yoga stretches. I feel forty…..pounds over weight, but hey I can cope with that. I am like a chubby weightlifter who can chase that Taco Truck and still be flexible enough to beat the five second rule of a floored accidental food fumble. Being able to do all that at 50 is a hat trick in my book. This entry in #Adulting is not to depress you. This is a reality checklist for us to accept we are getting older, to grow older gracefully, doing our best, feeling our best, while putting our best foot forward, all while keeping a sense of humor and without dislocating a hip.
Now, stop staring at my ears! Happy Birthday to Me!
#Adulting 