My Corona!

When you gonna give to me, a gift to me? Is it just a matter of time Corona? Is it d-d-estiny, d-destiny, or is it just a game in my mind, Corona!

You sassy little vixen! What’s mine is yours, whats yours is mine, till death do us part, in sickness and in health. I’ll show you what the true meaning of that is Mister!

Hello Rosie, Queen of Corona!

“Say what? Come again? You know my Spanish is rusty!” “I’m not speaking Spanish you idiot, Carol tested positive for Coronavirus, we’ve all been exposed, I’m heading home, it’s probably why I have not been feeling well you should come home you’ve been exposed.” “Oh, come again…this time slower you lost me when you were speaking Spanish…”

“Dad, WTF! What are we going to do? We’ve been home for months safe, what are we going to do!?!?” “Well, Daddy has a 4 pack of beer and am really craving pepperoni pizza, I’ll drink a beer, eat some pizza, send your mother to the doctors and probably write a blog about this shit…” “DAD! Pay attention!!” “Sorry did I drift? I’ll spray some bleach and hopefully we will all be ok…let’s see what the doctor says, no worries, don’t panic Dad is here.”

Holy shit everyone panic mom has the f’ing RONA!!! Oprah is possessing me: “You have it, I have it, the dogs have it, the neighbors have it, everyone has it! Covid-19 for everyone!!!” Drama much!

Eh, this ain’t so bad, I feel fine, I am probably immune to this, I’m too healthy. I’ll nurture Rosie back to health sit in quarantine for 2 weeks be back to working my face off again in a couple of weeks. I’m going for a walk!

Cough, cough, sniffle, sniffle…Damn you allergies! Oh…these allergies are making me feel a little achy. Let me try and get some rest…blink, blink, yawn, blink. Why won’t you sleep! Close your eyes, stay closed, no closed you idiot, stay closed! Damn you!

These allergies are probably not allergies. I don’t recall hay fever, causing body aches and 100.4 fever and a headache that feels like my head and brain are being fresh squeezed for a zombie screwdriver! Mmm, Tito’s and brains!

So, ah, hey doc listen I got these symptoms, but before I tell you what they are first let me start with: MY WIFE GAVE ME CORONAVIRUS! AM I DYING!?!? IS THIS THE BIG ONE ‘LIZABETH!?!?

“Mr.Dramaqueen, I mean Esbrandt, my name is not Elizabeth, and no you are not going to die. This virus needs to run its course, stay away from everyone, take Tylenol, it’s going to suck for awhile, if you feel like you’re going to die, go to the hospital, but stop being so dramatic.” “Moi? Dramatic? I’m offended!”

Fever, fever, fever, cough, I can’t breath, I can’t sleep, why does this food taste like dogsh*t? And why do I know what dogsh*t tastes like? “What do you mean I’m crabby and I should lie down! I’m not a child, I’m 50 years old and if you keep treating me like a child I’m not letting you in my cushion fort and you can’t play with my imaginary friends! Force-field! I can’t hear you!” I think my fever is back, I should go lie down.

“Hello new doctor, can you explain why my baby maker my wedding tackle, my meat and two veg, my twig and berries, the ole taliwhacker, my banger and mash is shooting flames whenever I try to pee? This must be a symptom of The Rona right? No, nothing to do with it, my junk is just broken, 10 days of medicine, so nothing for Covid-19 but a burning pecker gets a prescription? We thank you for your priorities Doc…”

Can someone please explain when we put 77 flights of stairs in this house, how many stories is this building? There are only 5 steps? I’m this winded from walking up 5 steps? I should probably go lie on my stomach for a few hours, and don’t get funny with that thermometer! I’ll roll over to take my temperature!

Listen, I know it’s 3am, I know you haven’t slept in days, I get this virus is reeking havoc on your mind and body, I realize being alone with your own thoughts can sometimes lead to anxiety but now is no time to try and figure out why the letter W starts with a D! Go to sleep!!!

Google: “can I die from taking NyQuil with Coronavirus?” 50% chance of yes also means 50% chance of NO! Sweet dreams or so long cruel world…whichever comes first.

Nyquil the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing. aching, coughing, stuffy-head, fever, I am still alive, it’s morning and I am still ALIVE, medicine. And I feel better! Nyquil – 1 / Grim Reaper – 0.

I feel great! I’m thinking of coming back to work mid week. What do you mean June? You don’t want me to come back to my hotel until June? I run the place and I feel better I’d like to come back and get some work done. I understand I had Coronavirus symptoms, I understand you would feel safer me not going to work. I just feel like that’s harsh. No I’m not talking back to you Mom, I just feel like that’s my employers decision. Yes ma’am I’ll give them your number.

Friday April 24th, 2020 Our quarantine began. Today is May 11, 2020 I am lying on my bed writing this summary of my experience with the Rona. I am anticipating going back to work the week of May 18th. My family and I will be going tomorrow May 12th for the antibody test and should we test positive we have successfully fought off Covid-19 with nothing but a few bumps, a few bruises, a long recovery to get back in shape, but no jail time served, well until we decide to have a cul de sac booze fest next weekend so stay tuned for the bail money GoFundMe page.