Now don’t go getting offended, I am one of you. Every year up until 2 years ago I would try the “New Year, New Me” or “sh*ts about to get real this year” BS. If I was lucky I made it one month and realized I have a very short memory and zero attention span to what I was committed to changing, got frustrated by lack of progress or if I even remotely attempt(ed) to lose weight I was reminded very quickly as I blindly consumed junk food that I have no will power.
I am no expert, I am a bald, fat a-hole who can only talk and make fun of my own failing experiences at New Year Resolutions and relay why they have actually not worked for me and people I know, but how you can take steps to make this year your year to succeed!
With that said here are 10 common New Year Resolutions and why you will fail…but how you can finally conquer them!
- “Eat Right and Lose Weight!” – What happened to the other years and months throughout the year you said that? Now you are suddenly going to wake up the Monday after New Year’s Day with intentions of eating rice, chicken and broccoli everyday or even worse you made the decision to totally eliminate carbs (carbs are the enemy…blah blah blah…no, they are not) only to realize chicken, rice and broccoli tastes like shit without Szechuan sauce on it accompanied by an egg roll! We all do it. We think less is better and bland is the answer. Yesterday we were eating Buffalo wings, Stromboli, lasagna, washing it all down with champagne and booze filled soft drinks, come Monday we make an impulse decision to eat “clean” with no understanding that our bodies don’t want tasteless food. Our bodies like our current meal plan and weight and the minute you decide to cut your 2500 calorie per day intake to 1500 calories to start the “new you” your body will release a chemical bomb attack in the form of Ghrelin, the hunger hormone. While you are counting down the seconds for your next aggressively timed out calorie deprived meal, unconsciously you’ll have a handful of cheese doodles, because after all “I’ve been dieting for 4 hours, and all the experts say cheat meals are important!”
Success Plan: The best way to begin a weight loss plan is to do exactly that, plan, if you cut out, you feel left out, if cut back, you stay on track. Trying to lose weight is a marathon not a sprint and I have been running a 20 year race. Fad diets don’t work. Short term? Possibly. If you choose to do one that’s a great kick-start, but cutting back is better than cutting out, when you cut out you can’t eat cake…I love cake. Your body will respond to smaller changes with empathy and adapt. It will not be 100% kind, after all we have to fight age, genetics, etc… but if you were eating 2500 calories, find a way to cut out 300 – 500 calories per day. Or better yet, make smaller reductions in calories, like carb cycling and move a little more if possible. If you don’t black out tying your shoes anymore and only see those little dots, that’s an indicator the calorie deficit is working. Its calories in vs. calories out, burn more than you eat, that’s it, all these fad diets are is a reduction of calories by removing a food group. If you eat 3 pizzas, be sure to burn off 4. (Don’t eat 3 pizzas!) - “Start Working Out” – Your Peloton is on its way! You’ve never, ever, ever taken a spin class before but you are going to dish out $4000 on a bike and proprietary fitness subscription because ‘my friend on Facebook got one’ and you were convinced by the commercial on TV that showed an already thin woman getting fat shamed to get thinner by her husband (he’s a dick!) Congrats, its 2021 and you now have one more piece of furniture to dust! Here’s another one for ya, you won’t use that gym membership either. 12% of all gym memberships take place in January, the average length of use for New Year newbies is 3 months. The regulars who have been members for years don’t like you, they respect your commitment to trying, but when they have to wait for a bench, while you are using it to rest your new gym bag on because you forgot a lock and they are forced to watch you flop around on the mat next to the bench inventing stretches that look like you’re making snow angels, they get pissed off and can’t wait for March because they know you won’t be there anymore.
Success Plan: Sign up for a gym if you want it’s a good investment if you use it, do not commit to 12 months, try the free week and go from there month to month. Most gyms offer introductory free personal training sessions that will show you how to use all the equipment, take advantage of it. Learn how to use the equipment (and where the locker room is) say no if they try to upsell extra sessions or say yes if you get the gym fever. If you haven’t exercised in a while starting with walking outside is great, body weight exercises are awesome, Beach Body on the Amazon Firestick gives you the luxury of exercise classes in your own living room which is close to the kitchen, in case you want to make a mid zumba class sandwich.
Gym tip warning: Do not jog to the gym to only walk on a treadmill, do not leave sweat on the equipment, rack your weights and for the love of God do not curl in the squat rack! - “Get out of Debt” – If you chose #2 as your resolution and do not have $4k in cash to burn on a Peloton, you’re more than likely $4k in the hole on a credit card. If you’re one of the bazillion people afraid of the pandemic going on it’s safe to say you did all your holiday shopping online. Unless you’ve figured out a way to Venmo Jeff Bezos directly, you’ve spent a fortune on Amazon with your credit card. I’m a victim of no credit to lots of credit to no credit to…you get the cycle. 55% of Americans (that stat is probably on the low end) have credit card debt, if you tell me you don’t have debt, congratulations, but secretly I’m calling BULLSH*T.
Success Plan: I only use my bank card. If you accumulate some credit card debt use Dave Ramsey’s snowball process to pay them off, look him up it’s a good process. For example you have a credit card that has a $1000 debt on it, you pay as much as possible monthly and pay the minimum on your other cards. When you pay off the $1000 card mentally you feel awesome, than you add that payment onto the minimum you were paying on the next card and begin chipping away at that balance and so on and so on if need be…until next Christmas at which point you can start all over. - “Quit Smoking” –Prologue/Opinion: I have to tell you, I don’t understand smoking. I smoked when I was younger for like 2 years, it was horrible! I believe everyone has a right to choose, you want to smoke, puff away! I am your friend, so I am going to tell you the most friend thing a friend can tell you…you smell. I mean you really smell. You’re used to the smell, because well you smell like nicotine all the time, but you do smell. No offense intended of course. Nicotine is a drug, and it has you hooked. If reading the label on a pack of smokes which states this product can kill you does not deter you it’s because big tobacco has you hooked and they know quitting has horrible withdrawal symptoms. If you went to the store to buy milk and the bottle said “this milk will kill you” would you buy it? Nope! Big tobacco has you hooked and everything you eat, drink and do comes with a smoke before or after and that habit along with the addiction is going to be hard to break.
Success Plan: It takes about 2 months to form a habit, don’t fall for that 21 day nonsense that’s spewed it’s poppycock. If you’ve smoked a pack a day for 20 years it’s going to take you longer to quit for good than 21 days. Commitment, discipline and a change of habit is the true battle, you can try and only smoke 3/4 of a pack, and reduce from there. Try and stay away from things you do that you always associate a cigarette with, like eating, or drinking or sex…I have no idea why you smoke, but you should try and quit. If you really want to show up the haters like me who love you, but think you smell, prove to everyone you are a disciplined warrior who can do something 99% of us could never do and quit cold turkey. - “Try Something New”- We have been in lock down for 9 months. You think baking banana bread is new? Entenmann’s has been making banana bread for years and yours isn’t nearly as good as theirs. It’s probably delicious, but it’s not box it, sell it and profit good like Entenmann’s. Something new like painting or baking is a hobby, one which you will crap out on in 2 weeks when you get tired of the clean up. Trying something new needs to skin a knee or come with a photo of your cheeks being blown apart at 300 mph. According to statistics and reporting by entertainment websites that specialize in “bucket list” based activities, only 1% of the tens of thousands of inquiries they get annually sign up and follow through with activities such as sky diving, river rafting, climbing a mountain etc… people like you and me are the other 99% who are sketching fruit bowls.
Success Plan: Okay admittedly doing something new does not have to be a threat to your life but I can assure you doing something new usually involves someone who has no interest in accompanying you. Start small, I joked about sketching or taking up art or baking, these really are great solo projects that may pique the interest of even the most uninterested…like me. - “Spend More Time with Family” – You’ve had 9 months of solitude and alone time with your family. The entire US are like scared kittens in a rain storm with this pandemic. If you go to Dunkin for a cup of coffee your spouse and kids are in hazmat suits when you come home until you shower in hand sanitizer. If you’re resolution for 2021 is to spend MORE time with your family I hope it is the ones you have not seen in a while and not the ones you’ve been stuck with who leave empty Cheetos bags and orange fingerprints all over the couch.
Success Plan: when everyone stops panicking, be the first one to hug the ones you have not seen, and then whisper something really creepy in their ear like “you smell different when you’re awake” this way you can go another 9 months without having to see them. - “Spend Less Time on Social Media” – When I am eating my lunch at my desk I click on Facebook on my desktop, as I am scrolling I unconsciously grab my cellphone and click on the Facebook app on my phone while looking at Facebook on my desktop! C’mon! That’s just stupid! It’s not like I am looking at FB on my computer and Instagram on my phone, I opened the same damn social media outlet! Social media is addictive because it’s cool! Social media is a drug, it has been found that self-disclosure on social media ignites the same parts of your brain that ignites when taking addictive substances. Before social media I would never recognize someone I have not seen in 20 years, now through the power of social media I actually do recognize people I have not seen in years, I walk up to them and they ignore me because I am one of their 1465 friends and they are aloof about which one of them I am.
Success Plan: You can do a social media detox, but you’ll be back! The best way to kick social media is to never start social media. Those who never use it are blessed and I need to know, can you spare an addict a selfie or two man…I’ll do anything you want! - “Travel More” – Covid has made it damn near impossible to feel safe traveling. I know people who do it, but wearing a mask must suck. It’s hard enough to get good air quality even pre-covid in that giant flying tube of airborne disease. To say now you want to travel is only because you know you can’t or won’t and when you can you’ll claim you “had the best staycation in 2020, so let’s do it again!”
Success Plan: Take trips to the Jersey shore, it’s all you need! There is no better place on the planet than the Jersey Shore…Try and change my mind and I’ll just tell you you’re NUTS! - “Work on Your Relationship” – There was a study back in March of 2020 that stated there will be a huge baby boom due to people being isolated at home with their significant other. Contrary to all that sunshine and bullsh*t quite the opposite has occurred divorce inquiries are UP 112% worldwide, the US boasts a decline in divorce in 2020 but that’s because we didn’t fully shutdown and people would fein a cough and require a 2 week “social distance” to get away from conflict with their significant other.
Success Plan: Look if you need to work on your relationship in 2021 you can blame 2020 for the stress but if this a repeat resolution you may want to take a break and learn to miss your significant other, get some therapy or commit to the Travel More resolution and just not go back home. - “Quit Drinking” – Ugh! Dry January, Sober October, just the thought gives me the detox jitters! If you participate in these sober months and/or don’t drink, good for you. I tried, I went 61 days without a drop of alcohol and honestly did not even miss it during the time without it. Aside from some mental clarity, there are no miraculous transformations that occur from quitting social drinking, alcoholism is a whole other beast. Here’s the thing, we all like having drinks, most of us don’t get stupid drunk every night. During social events we get “in the pocket” as my son calls it which is his term for a ‘nice smooth buzz.’ We like having a drink, your friends probably drink. I believe it’s easier to understand my drunk friends as the night progresses when I have few drinks in me rather than try to decipher what they are saying when I am sober, and believe me if you do decide to quit drinking, it is very weird being around your tipsy friends.
Success Plan: For me eliminating alcohol from my diet regardless of its lack of nutrition is a hard NO! While alcohol has no nutritional value, it can fit into a healthy lifestyle if consumed responsibly. A drink every day if you can limit yourself to one is actually not bad for you the experts say. I unfortunately cannot limit myself to one drink so therefore I now stick to the 7/11 rule. I only have 11 drinks in a 7 day period usually Friday (4), Saturday (4) and Sunday (3). While some of you may think that’s still a lot, some weeks I was doubling that. There are benefits to quitting drinking or taking a break, mental clarity, maybe a little less bloated. For me the best benefit was it cost me way less to get hammered when Friday hits because my tolerance for booze is low! (That is a joke folks, stay in the pocket.)
So there ya have it kids. New Year Resolutions are great, they give us an opportunity and excuse to hit the reset button. We forgive ourselves for all of our overindulging or what we have identified as self neglect throughout the year, which if you really think about there is nothing you did that should warrant self-torment at the beginning of each year, but we do it anyway. Resolutions are not easy to stick too, we often forget what we committed to this year and start all over again making promises of change next year and the next and the next, its a vicious cycle. A rule of thumb is to just pick one thing to work on, focus on it as a long term goal, not as an immediate fix. Take baby steps, trying to undo years of enjoying life then suddenly hitting reset may seem like a good idea, but statistics show that less than 8% of Americans who do that stick to their resolution plan.
Good luck to all of you who set out on your ‘New Year, New Me’ plan. I will be rooting you on eating a burrito, while buying a Peloton on my Amazon charge card, watching videos of people fall in the rapids while rafting, ignoring my family, but stalking them on Facebook as I plan my vacation with my spouse all while drinking bourbon! But I still won’t smoke because nicotine stinks!
Good luck my friends and Happy New Year!!
#Adulting 